Be a Wise Communicator

1. Deal with issues as they occur so that they don’t pile up and form resentments.
2. Agree that you will use the sports time-out signal when you need a break just to cool down. That will tell the other person that you are safe and will return once you have dealt with negative emotions and are ready to talk again.
3. Choose a quiet time without distractions to have conversations about serious topics. Discussions during a final football game or when other people are in the room are not appropriate.
4. Talk and act in a respectful way. Use your manners. Is your behaviour and attitude the same as it would be if there was a small grandchild present? Model the behaviour that you expect from others.
5. Separate the person and the problem. It never helps to attack a person’s character when dealing with a specific issue.
6. If you don’t understand, then gently ask questions. Remember the old television program “Colombo”? The star would begin gathering information by saying something like “I’m confused”. State this and then ask the other person to tell you about what they are going through, feeling or hoping for.
7. When you are angry ask yourself “What am I afraid of?” “What is being threatened that makes me feel like I need to protect myself?”
8. If you have an attitude of being in a competition where you feel that you need to win – you lose.
9. Even if you are right, remember that being stubborn or nagging won’t really change things. In fact, it just make you look like you are the problem.
10. Think about how you might talk or do things differently if you knew that you or the other person was going to die tonight.
11. Consider your tone. It’s not the words you say but the music you play.
12. Answer questions in positive terms. Don’t tell the other person what you want them to stop doing. Tell them what you would like them to do instead.
13. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Does s/he feel respected, cherished and cared about?
14. Be honest about your own weaknesses. If you are hearing the same thing or experiencing the same problem with more than one person, perhaps you are the problem.
15. Beware of listening to the advice of “shadow people”. They are individuals who will tell you what to do but do not experience any of the consequences if you actually follow their advice.
16. Recognize that you cannot change other people. Others only change when life isn’t working for them no matter what you think or do.
17. Admit your faults and ask forgiveness.
18. Work on improving yourself.
19. Be realistic. Arguing about the same thing over and over again does not solve anything. In fact, over time, it negatively affects the health and relationship for both of you.
20. Get professional help. Learning how to deal with your emotions or gaining assertiveness skills can lead to positive change and better results than what you have been experiencing.

Your Partner Is A “Mirror” That Shows Your “Dark Side”

All of us get into a romantic relationship sooner or later. We tend to do a lot of crazy stuff without thinking about whatever implications they may have. More often than not these are the person with spend the best of our time and worst of all too. Some relationship lasts a lifetime while other withers away very soon. It is also true that our partners are only people with whom we enjoy doing most of the things, be it travelling or enjoying at a pub or hanging out. But they also act as a mirror to our soul as we tend to open up all our emotions to them. All our secrets and dilemmas lie naked in front of them. Eventually it is our choice about what action we should take in addressing them.

There is no problem if we share the light moments with our partners. But the real problem is when we choose to disclose our dark side. It is also believed that we subconsciously choose our mirror image as a partner who would so the same thing the same way we do originally. So to continue with a healthy relationship we must let the other person to help us to overcome the guilt and actions of our darker side. This may cause some initial inhibitions in the initial stages, but its better to cure a problem than letting to get worse. We should always approach these type of situations with a long term goal in mind.

The major problem that we face in a relationship is when we try to express ourselves as how we are. The initial infatuation of the relationship takes a backseat and we simply find that the other person is not what that they seemed during the first few encounters. We gradually begin to see more and more of the negative things and gets agitated. Slowly the relationship turns out to be a sour affair and we cannot wait long enough to move on. But needless to say it is the time that should be dealt with serious maturity. We should always remember that everyone has a darker side and the partners being the closest is the one who can help to let the other person cross over the line. It is very important to find the right questions to ask your crush so that the whole affair moves in a positive side.

The situations gets worse when they starts asking the validity of the things we do that may be entertaining for us but is actually harmful in nature. The perfect example could be of Jesse Pinkman and his love interest Jane Margolis in the famous TV series Breaking Bad. We can very well see here that once an addict Jane who had been living sober for almost a year and half suddenly finds herself back again to drugs and stuff. She even Blackmailed Walter White to pay the partnership amount to Jesse so that they can continue to get high. These are the type of relationship that we must always avoid and ask the right questions at the right time. This is the only way we can help our partner to get rid of the dark side of his character. There may be occasions when one finds each others’ attitude or action irksome but must try to find out the actual reason causing it. It is a long time process and both the partners should approach with extreme patience and caution otherwise things could turn disastrous for them. Even the slightest of provocation could prove to be the terminating factors for the relationship.

Famous psychologists Linda and Charlie Bloom conducted many experiments to prove the effect of different types of interactions between partners that can awaken the darker side and eventually helped them to get rid of them. They constantly help couples to break the ice regarding things that left unsaid between them or could lead to problems. Their consultations helped a lot of couple to face their own demons in the relationship and get over them. Linda and Charlie used simulations as well created scenarios that could trigger the negative side of the character and used their vast skills in psychology to help the couple to get over them. The major plus-point of these interactions are that the couples who goes through a few sessions facing their own insecurities finds a permanent cure and they never makes the same mistakes again in their relationship with their partner. There are many real life experiments and case studies organized by them that can be found on their website.

The best thing about the consultations by Linda and Charlie lies in their understanding of the background and the reasons for such a behavior. They hold a casual speaking session just to analyze the depth of the problem and takes further actions depending upon their preliminary finds. So all tests and consultations are customized according to the people they meet and interact with. They even guide the couples so that they can use the techniques in future if any problem arises again. The real life application is much more important in such cases and they are more than happy to provide it.

Whatever the professional help may tell you, it is always important for us to understand the root of the problem to make it work and get past it. The psychologists suggest that the couples should be interactive enough and always look for actions or conversation which brings out their positive emotions. They also suggest the couples to not react violently or act on impulse if their counterpart tries to describe the toll any dark action is taking on each other. They should talk with a just cause and try to root out the problem to benefit either one of them. Also not addressing any problem won’t help. Proper communication along with belief in the other person is the key to solve any pending issues between them and they themselves can counter it without taking any type of external help.

The Importance of Being Your True Genuine Self

Be Genuine! Be yourself no matter if you are a confident socialite or a computer nerd. Not only will you be a happier person, people will find it easier to relate to you. You are important and worthwhile just the way you are, so just be yourself.

I learned to be genuine in my 40’s. I never understood why so many people did not like me, but now I know it’s because they couldn’t tell who I was. How could they when I didn’t know myself? It took so long because as I grew up, I was never allowed to find out. Growing up as the fifth of 8 kids to an alcoholic Father and a narcissist Mother, I only knew who I wasn’t. I believed I was useless, I couldn’t do anything right, my hair was miserable, I was an ugly little pig who was only good for kicking around, literally. I tried so hard to be worthy, to be good enough for my parents to love, they died before I could resolve that in my head.

Part of why I didn’t know who I was is because I was not allowed to make simple everyday decisions, even about what clothing I wore. I rarely had new clothes and when I did, my Mother bought things for me when I wasn’t with her. My Mother had abysmal fashion sense so the clothes I had to wear made me a laughingstock at school, tops did not match, and pants were ugly, ill fitting and had no style.

One day she bought me a pantsuit with white pants. I hated those white pants and I told her, but she forced me to wear them to a party at some friends’ house. I went into the bathroom and purposely ripped a hole in the white pants so I didn’t have to wear them. I put on some jeans I had sneaked in. I could tell how angry my Mother was by her pursed lips and pointed stare. That night at home, she screamed at me about the pants and how much money they had cost and how they were her pants, not mine. I had some money from babysitting so I tossed it at her and told her I owned those pants now and I would never wear them, then I went upstairs, opened the bathroom medicine cabinet and proceeded to swallow every single pill I found in it. When I realized what I’d done I told my Mother. She called the doctor who told her to make me throw up. Most parents have ipecac at home for this, but not my Mom, she made me drink dish soap, forced me to until I threw up, then she took me to the hospital where I stayed for three days. I didn’t want to go home, but they wouldn’t let me stay.

After that incident, I pretended to be other people, like my best friend Cindy. Cindy lived around the corner from me and I used to see her walking her beautiful Alaskan Malamute dogs. I admired her easy confident mannerisms and the way she stood up for herself. When anyone said anything negative to, or about her she would look them right in the eye and tell them exactly how, and why, they were wrong. I could never do that, so I tried to act like Cindy, but mostly I hid from my family at her house as much as possible. She was like a second sister to me. I had a silly attraction to her oldest brother Jesse. Jesse was one of those golden boys every girl fawns over, and he knew it, but it was the other brother Clarence whom I really fell for. Clarence was quiet like me, and every bit as handsome. The shy way he tried to hide his teenaged acne endeared him to me. We would stare at each other across the room and silently, we cared about each other. We only talked about our feelings twice and nothing ever came of it. I rarely talk with Cindy these days. We grew apart as people do, but she was important to me. In many ways, she saved my life, and I will always call her friend. Clarence got married and I think he still lives in Milwaukee; I will always call him friend too.

I pretended to be other people I admired as well. My friend, Sandy whom I luckily befriended the first day of High School was one of them. Sandy protected underdogs, including me, from the mean kids. Two others I pretended to be were Erica Kane from “All My Children”, and Marcia Brady from the “Brady Bunch”. Erica Kane was tough as nails and always got what she wanted, and Marcia Brady was so pretty and popular. I wanted to be like them, someone other people liked and respected and wanted to around. They portrayed strength and confidence I didn’t have. When they talked, people listened. When I pretended to be like them, I felt stronger and better, but that deception was only skin deep, I was a mental wreck inside and it didn’t take much for my true colors to show through. I was exhausted and I hated myself so much I wished I were dead.

I thought if I could be like Cindy, or Sandy, nobody could really hurt me. I didn’t understand that by trying to be someone else, I was trying, in vain, to get my parents, or some boy, or anyone, to love me. It never happened and finally, I gave up trying, then suddenly, as if by magic, other people started to like me. I was shocked and surprised by this and it took me awhile to trust it. Not everybody liked me of course, but enough of them for me to know that when I am being my true genuine self, people notice and I don’t even have to try, it just happens.

I love who I am now. I am strong and mostly confident, far from perfect, but I stand up for myself and others, I am kind and helpful. I strive to keep good relationships with those I love. I am a great writer and a fun person to be silly with. I have the most fun throwing pillows and marshmallows with my grand-kids. I am a good friend and a fighter against evil and injustice. I could stand to lose some weight, but I am pretty and I love to laugh. I can honestly say I love myself and that’s what we should all strive for. Being genuine means loving yourself for everything you are and all that you are not.

We are not meant to be perfect and it is a waste of time and energy, especially if you are trying to be perfect for someone else. We waste so much time trying please others. If someone else can’t love you for exactly who you are, let them go. I was not allowed to be myself as a child so it took me a very long time to discover who I am as an adult. I tried to be what I thought my parents wanted me to be, the trouble was they didn’t want a child named Carol, they wanted a robotic maid and a silent one at that. I was always quiet because speaking up as a child meant being bullied and bruised both inside and out. Now, because I gave up trying to be someone else, I can be my own genuine self and my own opinion of me is all that matters. Now instead of bruises, I have laugh lines, and lots of other people like me, but if they don’t, it doesn’t bother me. Their opinion of me is none of my business.

Language of Care Versus Language of Neglect

“Have you got the right money?” versus, “Do you need any change?” A significant difference in language.

As I deliver meals to homes one day a week, some meals are paid for by cash, sometimes in a postal envelope, and, whilst many have the correct amount in them, some don’t, and those people require change on the spot.

On receiving one envelope recently, instead of saying, “Do you need any change?” I said, “Is the money right?” Immediately, I knew I’d phrased that in the wrong way.
Normally I ask if the person needs change, yet in making the mistake in how I phrased the question I saw the power in how a question is put – the power to show care in an interaction, versus the power to neglect the other person.

Through a slight lack of awareness, I made a chance at a good interaction less than it could have been.

Had I said, “Do you need any change?” the lady I served would have said, “No, the money is correct already.” I would have given her the benefit of the doubt, which fits the business model of the company I drive for. They’re more interested in keeping the customer happy than for the money to be exactly right.

Instead, when saying, “Is the money right?” I’ve communicated that I may not trust her. The lady took it well, but I knew straight away that I could have had a more blessed interaction had I been careful to serve her better.

Synch Your Words and Your Actions

No, this isn’t about doing what you say you’re going to do, so you can relax. This is about your body language and your verbal language.

Some time ago I had the experience of being told some very disturbing news by a friend who had a smile on her face. Not a smirk. A smile. As a result, I was very confused about the message she was conveying. Since it was unhappy news, her smile was incongruous with the message. That got me to wondering if she was smiling because she secretly found the news humorous. Or maybe her smile indicated she was finding satisfaction in some way about the bad news and how it affected the person involved.

What I finally chose to believe was that this person was smiling in an attempt to lessen the effect of the bad news. To this day I’m not sure if that’s true or not, though.

This is just one example how a person’s body language can be incongruent with their verbal language. Other commonly experienced examples are:

  • A person saying they really want to hear what you’re saying… while they busy themselves with checking their phone for messages.
  • Someone telling another person that they want to be open and honest… as they close up their body by crossing their legs and arms.
  • A person wagging their head back and forth as they’re talking, sending the body language of “No” as if to warn the listener that what they’re saying isn’t to be believed.

Studies have shown that 90% of communication between people is not verbal, but instead is physical. Your body language speaks much louder than your voice ever could.

What little body language habits do you have that send a contrary message to another as you’re talking?

Want to find out? Then find a full length mirror and watch yourself as you talk on the phone to someone. Better yet, video yourself.

But the best way is to have a trusted friend or your life coach observe how you move your body as you talk to them. Ask them to let them know what movements and positions they see you using and what it conveys to them beyond the words you’re speaking.

If you don’t have either of these people in your life, another great option is to join a Toastmasters Club. They helped me become aware of body language I was using that sent the message of fear when I was talking in public… and they cured me of it in a friendly, fun, and supportive way.

If you want your message to be accurately and clearly received by your intended recipient, synch your words and your actions.

Kathy Wilson empowers you to create a better life for yourself using a multi-faceted approach. Your needs are unique, and the methods she uses are customized to your specific needs. As her client, you and she may use Life Purpose Coaching, spiritual mentoring and consulting, NLP, vibrational healing, PSYCH-K, Tarot, teaching… whatever is in your highest and best interests. She’s a Certified Professional Coach, spiritual teacher, Reiki master, vibrational healer, author of An Inner Journey: Living Your Life Purpose, and has written and published many eBooks and articles. For information about her products, services, and classes,

You Can Be Right or You Can Be Happy


Some people have this thing about being right.

It’s almost a “proving” thing as if they have to prove they’re smarter or right. They might do this to build themselves up or to put others down. Or it could simply be a habit. Either way, it can drain joy and happiness from ones life. And it makes them a bummer to be around.

At the simplest level it can be seen in young children. My 14-year-old daughter seems to find great joy in proving her dad wrong. (Parents can you relate!) Her new phone (aka – umbilical cord to the world) with Google is quick to share clarifying data of dad’s mistake. I will be trying to share a lesson, story or some sort of insight and boom; she interrupts me with a clarifying fact. “Actually Dad, there were 152 of them.” I had kept the number rounded to 150 to keep the story simply.

This happens very frequently. It’s as if she is waiting to find fault or error in me. Her train of thought is lost on the fact (152 vs. 150) and she has lost the point of the story. And this may be the key point. She is looking for and finding fault! Or focusing on the negative! Seek and ye shall find!

There is a key life lesson to stress reduction, worry, and happiness here. You get what you focus on and (this is the key), what you focus on expands! I’ve heard this put another way. Where thought goes, energy flows and results happen.

Beware, this also expands and impacts adult interactions. Maybe you can relate to this. I was dealing with a person who for her job requirement, had to review medical reports for spelling and grammar, but also for detailed medial accuracy (and this is a good thing). If you wanted someone writing medical concise reports that impacted your health or even life, this is the person you wanted. At a simple level, she was looking for faults and errors in these reports.

After a decade of this sort of work her relationships were shifting and she seemed more distant from many. She stated she felt isolated and distant from her friends and family and she was much less happy. Some of her friends confided she was grumpy and had lost her spark for going out and having fun. She wasn’t that much fun to be around and her closeness with her spouse had diminished.

As a question to you, how do you think she interacted with those around her including family members who she was more comfortable and close to? Do you think her decade of “training” in finding fault and correction would impact her family interactions and relationships? How do you think she viewed and “analyzed” her husband’s accuracy with the lawn cutting or cleaning up the kitchen or making the bed?

Yes she was nice person; pleasant, engaged, genuine, fun and had other positive attributes however, how do you think she processed the conversations with others? Do you think this would impact their relationship where one was always finding faults, looking for the negative and “proving” them wrong with “corrections”? Always having to be right.

Even after short conversations you could sense this “talent” for finding fault and suggesting ways to correct or fix things was very developed. A good skill had started to work against her in her relationships.

Going back to the key point, you can be right or you can be happy.

You get what you focus on, and what you focus on expands!

If you are always looking for fault… you will find it. And the more you look, the more you will find and it becomes a self-fulfilling circle. You will find want is wrong, incorrect, or inaccurate with things and people. It becomes a “negative” habit that can make you unhappy.

It would seem simple enough that to improve our relationships, to gain a greater sense of gratitude and fulfillment from life, to reduce our stress and to simply be happier we may need to relax a bit and not be so critical of others. To not always focus on the finding the wrong details, rather look at the bigger picture of things. What is good about what they are saying or doing? How can we use and benefit from this? Get curious and ask why they think that way or have that opinion? How can we learn and grow and utilize this to move ahead and not make same mistake/ error again?

This comes down to controlling your mind and thoughts and choosing to find the good. To focus on the positive and what’s right about situations, people and their actions. This sounds easy, but experience teaches that it’s much harder to put into practice. Why? Because we are animals of habit and old habits are hard to break. Combined with all the negative in the media, many around us who are also negative, and we are constantly reminded and bombarded with negative, fear mongering news, I understand, this is a hard habit to break.

In the best selling book entitled “The Power of Habit” by C. Duhigg he states that we can never break a habit or get rid of it. However he shares, we can replace it with one that is more empowering and useful to us. But it takes acknowledgement of the non-supporting habit and then practice to implement and replace it with the new habit.

Lets now expand this to a 50,000 foot view from our relationships to life and work so we can get a bigger perspective on where we are at and how we can reduce our stress and be happier and more fulfilled with our life.

Workplace studies have shown happy people, get better jobs, make more money, have a better office, have a better more rewarding social network and generally enjoy life more. And yes, they handle stress better and seem to have less of it. NICE!

My experience has taught me that you can flip things around and make incredible dramatic changes very quickly by starting with 3 small, simple easy to do steps.

The first of which is choosing and deciding to find the good or the positive in others and yourself. This helps build and develop the skill of finding the good.

Why others first? Because, sometimes it’s easier to find the good in others than it is in ourselves. For everyone you meet always find one nice things about him or her and complement them on it. Soon, you will start finding more good in yourself as well.

Shifting from being problem focused to solution based.

It is so easy to get caught up in finding fault and complaining. And as you know, like attracts like. Someone complains about the weather or traffic and shortly it’s a pile on with horror stores of traffic hell. It’s also easy to try and blame someone else for the situation or mess. It’s easy to blame, complain or justify why something happened. Stop this.

Take full responsibility for your life and shift your thinking to solutions. Don’t let the things you can’t do stop you from doing the things you can do. What can we do? What are some action steps we can take? Who’s help can we get? What other information or resources do we need? Take action, make progress and move ahead.

Looking at the positive benefit or outcome this will bring.

Related to the point above, finding and thinking about negative outcomes is common, and a non-supporting habit many develop. We will often make the statement… “What if… fill in bland with negative”. You can train your mind to shift this around to be more positive by converting this statement to. “What if… positive outcome inserted here”.

To make this even better, follow it up with, “And what’s the worst that could happen?” Usually this isn’t too big of a deal. It also helps reduce any lingering fear or doubt. Ask others for their input and how they see the solution becoming a positive.

Bonus Tip – This maybe the most important… Choose to stay away from the negative (people, media, environments etc).

Be it at the water cooler, certain friends, or in social situations, or the media, always try to lift up the energy and add a positive aspect to the conversation. If someone is complaining about the traffic or weather, break the cycle and ask:

  • How their child made them laugh or proud this week!
  • What new exciting things are happening in their life?
  • What they are doing to grow their business, improve their health etc.
  • What are they doing to enrich their life situations?
  • What new trips etc are they planning?

I know they will appreciate this. No one likes to get stuck in that low level complaining.

For the media, I would suggest not watching the news or reading the paper. I’ve shifted over to reading Success Magazine. It’s full of uplifting and positive articles that are short and quick to read in the morning. I find it sets the positive emotional tone for the day! It also comes with an audio CD with interviews and commentary from experts. For me, it’s a great way to stay motivated, it helps me focus on the positive and there’s a lot there for personal growth and personal development as well. And the year subscription is very low cost for what you get. I would strongly recommend it.

So in summary, you can be happy or you can be right. No one is perfect so why go there and try and find fault? What do you want to choose to do?

Teaching and controlling our minds to find the good and expand on it takes time and practice until it becomes a habit. Set your self up to win, surround yourself with positive, like-minded people and look for the good! Start your day right with some positive, uplifting instructional material. You are on your way to a happier more fulfilling life.

Emptiness of Life

In this short poem, it talks all about the conflict between God and me. I give emphasis on the importance of God’s existence in life. If there is no God guiding us everyday for our decision making then it is useless. Because we can experience total darkness if God is not the center of our life. Many times I offended God but at the end I am still searching for Him. In short I need Him in my life. So I can say that we need a Loving friend in our life. Who is always willing to comfort us every time we have a problem. Not just like our earthly friend who is not capable of giving such thing. You can notice in my poem that I give importance to my God:


Why does the world give me so much pain?
As I journey along my life, I feel like insane.
Insane in a life full of sin.
No matter how hard I walk in God’s lane.

Life without God is full of emptiness.
Everyday I walk in a road of darkness.
I keep on searching but I found nothing.
Because I forget the Origin of everything.

Now here I am!
Imploring the aid of Almighty God.
Hoping to bless all my plan.
And will be comforting me whenever I’ll be sad.

in the first stanza which is;

Why does the world give me so much pain?
As I journey along my life, I feel like insane.
Insane in a life full of sin.
No matter how hard I walk in God’s lane. I totally experiencing darkness. I appreciate my weakness as a human being. In which from time to time I commit different kind of sins. Through that sinful action I feel that is already so far from me. No matter how hard I try to change for God’s glory.

In the second stanza;
Life without God is full of emptiness.
Everyday I walk in a road of darkness.
I keep on searching but I found nothing.
Because I forget the Origin of everything. – it refers to the things that happen in my darkness life. In everyday I suffer the consequences. There comes my perseverance to come back again to Him.

In the last stanza which is;
Now here I am!
Imploring the aid of Almighty God.
Hoping to bless all my plan.
And will be comforting me whenever I’ll be sad. – I totally surrender to Almighty God. I give significant of His existence. And putting my whole trust in Him.

Learning on How to Get Your Ex Back Successfully

These days, it is normal to see a number of couples anywhere who are having sweet moments amidst their getting-stronger relationship. Nonetheless, you can never deny the fact that there are also many couples nowadays who are breaking up with their relationship due to a number of reasons. Whatever the reasons may be, one thing is for sure and this is the fact that fixing and saving those broken relationships is harder than you expect it to be. In connection to this, it is very important for you to know how to get your ex back successfully. The big question is, how can you possibly do it?

Be Brave Enough to Admit Your Mistakes

Your relationship will never be broken if one or both of you did not commit big mistakes, right? If you are the one who committed these mistakes, why not admit it and feel sorry about it. This is one great way to ease the heartache felt by your partner. Keep in mind that it is normal for the people to commit mistakes. What is important is that you acknowledge those mistakes and try your best not to do it again.

Give Your Ex Some Space

After the heart breaking break up, your ex partner surely need some space. This is the time when she thinks about saving your relationship and forgiving you or not. She deserves some space, of course after the things that you have done. Respect her decision to be alone for a while and wait until she is ready to face you again.

Be Patient

Remember that you do not have the right to complain because it is your fault why your relationship was broken. You need to be patient in waiting for the decision of your ex partner. It is not easy for her, of course especially if you have been together for several years. Winning her back may be not that easy for you. Because of that, you should have a considerable amount of patience with you.

Don’t Lose Your Life’s Sense of Direction

You have to make sure that you will not be drowned by your own emotion after breaking up with your partner. Yes, it may hurt you a lot, but be strong and don’t lose your life’s sense of direction. There are many couples out there who have forgotten the value of their lives after every break up. Because of this, they tend to do those undesirable things that they don’t usually do like drinking alcohols almost everyday. You can never get back your ex if that is the case.

These are just some of the things that you can do if you are one of those people who are asking how to get your ex back. Keep all these things in mind, and you will surely be successful in making your ex fall in love with you again.

Setting Boundaries – Phone, Social Media, or in Person

As we learn to view boundaries as a necessity in our lives, we also need to know how to set healthy boundaries for others, and help them to respect them. We will discuss three ways in which people of all relationships push or cross your boundaries. I see my life as a large circle with several inner circles. In the very center I place myself, then my children, spouse and any close family members in the circle around the center. The outer circle thereafter will be occupied by my close friends. People less relevant in my life can be found in circles far from my center. Once this exercise is complete you will see that you have set different boundaries for each person in your life.

In reality this should be handled the same way. I do not treat the mail man the same as I do my daughter and therefore this acquaintance takes much less importance than my close family members do. Violating your boundaries happens when one of the outer circle occupants pushes their way inward. It feels like a violation of personal space, uninvited, and makes us feel uncomfortable and resentful. We feel that it is rude and therefore we almost treat it as trespassing into our livers. However, it happens so often that people are unaware of other people’s boundaries and are unaware of crossing them. Even if subtle hints are dropped many push in like a bull in a china shop, verbally and physically, and then proceed to make us feel guilty when we reject them. Many individuals retreat not wanting to hurt anyone’s feeling and accept it helplessly.

Here are some points that may be helpful in your daily life to protect yourself from this sort of behavior:

On the phone

    1. You are under no obligation whatsoever to take anyone’s call.
    1. If you choose not to take their call or return a text message, you do not owe anyone any type of explanation.
    1. If you feel that you need to explain, it is simple to say I wasn’t around my phone, I didn’t have my phone with me, or simply say: Yes I saw that you had called. The less conversation, the better.
    1. In the event that you have to make a phone call, be prepared of what you are going to say. The moment you pick up the phone needing to discuss something, both parties will want to lead the conversation. It is in your favor to know exactly what you are going to say, how far you are willing to go into the conversation, what direction you want the conversation to go, how the conversation is going to end and at what time you will need to end the call.
    1. If you make a call and you do not know what it is that you want, the opposite party will make up your mind for you.
  1. Remember, regardless of how much you feel obligated to anyone in whatever way, you do not owe anyone anything that you do not wish to give, especially not an explanation.

Social Media

    1. There are so many ways to exclude anyone from your social media sites that this may be the simplest of all ways to protect yourself.
    1. Delete the person, block them from your posts, block the person all together, block their friends or family members, whatever you will need to do to keep your privacy.
  1. Again, you do not owe anyone any kind of explanation, but if you feel like you want to explain or if you happened to be confronted about it, simply say, that you felt the need for privacy. People who love you will understand this.

Dealing with People in Person

Setting your boundaries face to face with someone takes a little more courage than avoiding a phone call or blocking someone on social media. It is of utmost importance that we do not react but pro-act. Equal to the planned phone conversation, be prepared and be ready for what you are going to say. Have a phrase ready that will quickly remove you from the conversation. Typically people who disrespect other people’s boundaries are not just emotionally pushy, but often bully verbally and physically. Remember quick phrases such as: I have to leave now, I got to go, I have work to do, I will not talk about this right now, so and so is waiting for me, etc.

    1. It can take place in a friendly situation where you can tell a family member: “I love you, but I do need for you to do this instead of… “
    1. It could be a co-worker where you kindly have to remind them: “This is my personal business and I don’t think it is professional to talk about this… ” or simply: “Let’s keep this on a professional level… “.
    1. It could be with a parent or in-law where you simply say: “I would like to have you in our lives, but we do need some time to ourselves… ” or whatever needs to be addressed.
  1. Ex-husbands or ex-wives may be addressed as: “Let us focus on what problem we need to address or what we both need to share, and not worry about anything else… “

Pro-acting vs. reacting is taking control of the conversation/conflict instead of reacting to it. It means staying focused on what you want to achieve. It is ignoring someone who is starting conflict, ignoring irrelevant comments, or unkind gestures. It is knowing your value and remembering who you are. It is not sinking to your opponent’s level, but gracefully remaining with the facts. I love this rendition of a Mark Twain quote, “Don’t argue with an idiot, bystanders won’t know who is who.” There is a lot of truth to that. While enjoying the humor of this quote it is always a good idea to steer clear of any name calling or of verbally lashing out. Stay classy, stay factual, and stay focused. You will gain so much respect and also feel better about yourself.

The main idea here is that you familiarize yourself with the situation in detail. You will no longer fear to take charge because you do now have the right weapons to protect yourself. You are taking control of your life. You no longer float; you swim into the right direction.

You are under no obligation to open your front door and you are under no obligation to open your car door or roll down the window. It is your life, your time, your peace and your property, and you are empowered.

If you feel like you are being bullied or stalked, see that you can create a journal and carefully write down all dates, times, locations, duration and possible witnesses. Then immediately contact the police and file a report along with a restraining order. Too many women waited to file a report because they did not take stalking serious and either got battered, raped, or killed.

If you feel uncomfortable with someone you work with, do not hesitate to inform your supervisor or go directly to the corporate office. If necessary consider a transfer or shift change. Sometimes it is not worth to fight a battle and invest time, money, energy, and emotions that rob one of one’s peace. Here it is important to pick and choose your battles to your benefit.

I Don’t Want to Be Alone and Lonely

Humans are encoded to be social creatures. It is grafted into our genes to have companionship. Preferring solitude is not the norm and this psychological characteristic usually has some underlying motive(s) behind it. Touching and being touched in a wholesome manner brings out the best in a person. Feeling connected gives a person a sense of being. That being said, there are circumstances where preferring solitude is a sound alternative in order to maintain one’s emotional stability and even one’s health.

It is not attractive to be alone and lonely however this state is far better than living in the constant state of anxiety that being with the wrong companion brings. Existing with an incompatible companion is insanity that leads to a variety of negative consequences. This living environment brings no satisfaction, joy, nor calm into a person’s life. It is a place where no one honestly wants to be. But it happens, and when it does, run for your life because that is what is a stake. One day leads to another and each day has an array of heartaches, headaches, anguish, and distresses that must be endured.

There is this one particular idiot that I know intimately who has placed himself into this disagreeable predicament more than once. The bizarre thing about him is that he knew full well on each occasion that he was unwittingly heading into quicksand. Knowing this was an error in judgment, instead of avoiding the quicksand, he willingly walked straight into it. When he began sinking, instead of pulling himself out of the mire, he did everything possible that caused him to sink deeper and quicker. I cannot fathom what one would call this type of personality because it goes beyond the scope of reason and common sense. It is like a sickness that wants to get sicker and being in the possession of a mindset that is fatally stupid.

After he finally extricated himself from the latest deplorable situation that he placed himself in he reached the conclusion that his best bet is to be alone. He hates the consequences of solitude but seeing that he has a relentless propensity for chronically making bad choices and decisions he has consigned himself to separation. I know this dimwit intimately, and I grieve for him, but I feel no sympathy for him because he is getting exactly what he deserves. A fool and his foolishness will reap his foolish rewards and no one need trouble themselves over him because he is not worthy of the energy that it will take to do this.

Reeling within the turbulent grip of stormy nights and tossed by tempestuous days, it is far better to be alone than to exist in turmoil, confusion, mistrust, and chaos. Misery can find it’s very own company and insanity can hide beneath the bed sheets. Today is here, and in the twinkling of the eye, today is no more. Peace and rest come to those who look for it and who know how to appreciate it once they find it. It is hard to be alone and lonely but a negative alternative is far, far worse than going solo.